last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Please tell me its not ok to love a 17 year old....no matter how hot he is and how sexy his eyebrow ring is oh lord
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Randomize
