I swear she didn't look like that last week.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Randomize
