She tied me up with her honor cords...
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
