All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
