Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Randomize
