I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
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