found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
Who did Billy Mays play for?
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
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