i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
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