I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Randomize
