A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
Randomize
