Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
My liver just broke up with me...
So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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