I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Help. Why am I so naked?
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