How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
