My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
