And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
