Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Is it morally objectionable to repay my debt to society with drug money?
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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