I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
Randomize
