i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
