OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
