also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
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