Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
