i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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