How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
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