i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize
