Yo dont text me then not text me
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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