You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
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