hide the guitars, Nate just learned to play free fallin'
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
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when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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