gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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