Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
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