I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Randomize
