you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
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