even my farts smell like vagina
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
