I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
