Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
