my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
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