I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Randomize
