Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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