im six kinds of drunk right now
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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