i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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