why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
Randomize
