I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
