Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Randomize
