just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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