Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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