this is amy. the small petlike person from the womens bathroom at the reef.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Randomize
