a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Randomize
