I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Randomize
