I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
one two three fourrrrnication!
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
There was a lot of him and a little penis
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Randomize
