I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
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