Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
walk of shame across osu's campus on game day. i can see all the spots i threw up last night. its like my personal yellow brick road.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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