Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Randomize
