these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Randomize
