I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
