Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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