weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
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