Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Randomize
