standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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